Fish and Bernice on the phone
by RA'AY'MOND
Summary: Stories about Fish and Bernice, on the phone.
1. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller and have not / will not make any money from this work

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller and have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping the show alive.**

**FISH & BERNICE:**

**I spy.**

By: Ra'Ay'Mond

Fish answers his ringing phone, "Good evening. 12th Precinct. Detective Fish speaking. How may I help you? Oh Hello Bernice."

Fish rolls his eyes toward the ceiling. He listens patiently as his wife tells him the reason for _this_ call.

Once she has paused to listen to his response, he jumps in and gives her a quick recap of what she has told him. "OK Bernice let me make sure I've got this straight. Our new neighbor who lives down the hall is a KGB agent. Sent by The Soviet Union to spy on every one in the building?"

Fish moves the phone away from his ear as Bernice loudly corrects him. He moves it closer as he tells her, "OK. His not spying on the _whole_ building, just the people on _our floor_? Oh yes Bernice, that makes _much more sense_." Fish lifts both eyebrows and rolls his eyes for the last part of that sentence. He starts to ask her if that means that there is a Soviet spy on every floor in their building. He decides not to. That would be _crazy_!

"Now Bernice, why don't you calm down a little and tell me why you think that this man is a Soviet spy. OK, He has a Russian accent. He always wears a dark hat and over coat. He always has empty Vodka bottles and empty jars of Caviar in his trash bags."

"Bernice, how do you know what he has in his trash bags?"

Fish leans back in his chair as he says, "You go through his garbage in the basement after he has left the building in the morning."

Fish takes a deep breath before asking the next question, "Bernice, how is it that you know when this poor man has left the building? Fish then repeats Bernice's answer, "An hour after I go to work, you put your ear against his door to make sure that he is not at home."

Fish smiles as he asks Bernice the next question," What's the matter Bernice, you to good to walk down the fire escape and look through his window?"

He wipes the smile off his face at her answer, "Oh! You tried that, but the door to the roof was locked, and it had an alarm on it." Fish then thinks about asking her why she didn't just cut _all_ the power to the building from the basement, and use a sledgehammer to break the lock on the roof's door. He decided that he did_ not_ want to hear her answer.

This time he makes a face that's just a little grimmer than normal and says, "Bernice dear, remember last year when you thought that the mailman worked for the CIA? And, you thought the super worked for the FBI? You do? Good! I think that you were _right_ about them. Tell _them_ about the KGB man down the hall form us. I'm just a _city cop,_ it's out of my _jurisdiction_."

"Sorry but I can't help you with this one. That's right dear, I'm local, their federal. Oh, before you go Bernice If you do tell them about the _spy down the hall_ take my advice and _don't_ mention the thing about trying to _look through his window_, or _listening at his door_. Feds hate it when civilians try to do their work for them."

"OK. I love you to. Bye Bernice."

After he hangs up Fish takes another deep breath and thinks to himself, '_agree with her and send her on her way. I should have done that years ago.'_

**The End.**

3


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller and have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping the show alive.**

**FISH & BERNICE:**

**Baby thermometers.**

By: Ra'Ay'Mond

Fish opens the door to the squad room. He walks a little slower than normal as he makes his way to Barney's office. He sticks his head into the open office door way and says, "I'm sorry I'm late Barney. I think that I may have a touch of the Flu or something. I'm going to be out sick tomorrow if that's all right with you. I'd rather take a whole day off than walk around all week with this thing."

Barney puts down the paper work that he was going over. He lowers his head slightly to look at Fish through the upper lens of his bifocals and replies, "Sure Fish. I hope that it's nothing serious. Either you or Bernice can give me a call tomorrow and let me know if you'll need to stay out more than one day. You can take _today_ off if your not feeling up to it."

Fish replies, "That's OK Barn. I'll just take it easy and catch up on some paper work today. I'll be at my desk if you need me for anything."

Barn says OK as Fish turns around and leaves. When he gets to the coat rack, he hangs up his hat and coat before he flops down in his chair.

Before his chair has a chance to get warn, his phone rings.

Fish is about to say his name and precinct number when a familiar voice on other end asks if it's him.

He takes a deep breath and says, "Hello Bernice. Yes, it's me. Yes I made it in to work." Fish slowly pulls the phone away from his face and looks at it in disbelief, as he shakes his head no.

He moves the receiver back near his face and asks his wife, "If I wasn't here, how could I answer my desk phone?"

"Your right. I'm sorry that I snapped at you! This cold, or what ever it is, is making me grumpy."

Fish listens to her reply and says, "OK. Grumpier! Happy now? Before you answer that, did you get me the stuff from the store for my cold Bernice?"

Fish continues, "Aspirin, vitamin C, chicken soup. OK. Wait. What else did you get? 10 Rectal Thermometers? 10 Rectal Thermometers! What in the world am I going to do with 10 rectal Thermometers?"

Fish rolls his eyes around his head at Bernice's answer and he tells her, "Bernice, it was a rhetorical question.

Fish then hears the sounds of Wojo 'trying' to cover up the sounds of his snickering. Fish points at Wojo. Then he makes a little circle with his fingers, signaling to his fellow Detective to turn around and 'pretend' not to listen. Once Wojo complies Fish returns to the phone call.

Fish starts to wish that he'd stayed at home today. He would still be having this conversation, but with out the 'Peanut Gallery' listening in.

"Listen Bernice, I don't care if they were on sale or not. Take them back. Those things are for babies. They can't put them in an infant's mouth because they'll bite down on them and break the glass, so they make those things to take the kids temperature….well, you know. The other way."

"Look Bernice, We have been married for years and I love you with all of my heart, and I always will. Just not enough for you to use one of things on me!"

"OK. While you out can you please pick up some ginger ale for me and a Fishing or Hunting magazine. No, the magazine is not for me. It's for my nosey co-worker who has nothing better to do than to listen to an old friend taking care or very so embarrassing family business. NO NAMES!" At this point Fish points at Wojo again. The other man grins, lifts both hands to cover his ears as he walks away.

"OK Bernice. I love you to. Bye, bye."

**The End.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Barney Miller and have not / will not make any money from this work. This is just my way of keeping the show alive.**

**FISH & BERNICE:**

_**Around the World**_

By: Ra'Ay'Mond

Sgt. Phillip K. Fish walks into the detective's squad room with a large brown paper bag in his hand. He tells everyone in the room hello. He walks over to the name board to peg himself in for the day. Once this is done, he takes off his hat and coat, and goes over to his desk. He then places the bag near his phone.

As soon as he sits down in his chair, his phone rings.

He picks up the receiver and gives his time-tested introduction, "Hello, 12th Precinct, Sergeant Fish speaking. How may I help…oh hello Bernice."

After listening to her question, he tells her , "Yes Bernice. I've just come back form the pharmacy. I think that I've got everything that I'll need for our _big adventure_ this week-end."

While they are talking on the phone, Barney walks out of his office to pour himself some coffee. He steeps over to Wojo's desk first, and looks at the young woman that Wojo has arrested this morning. He asks him, "What's her story?"

Wojo looks at his early morning arrest. He then turns back to Barney and says, "Just a _lady of the evening_ that decided to work the _morning shift_." He then laughs a little and tells Barney, "I would call her a _street walker_, but she was just _standing_ there when she propositioned me."

The woman makes an un-kind face at Wojo, before turning to Barney and smiling as she says, "I just couldn't help myself. He had this _desperate_, _hungry_ look in his eyes. He looked like he _really_ needed some _relaxing_."

Meanwhile, Fish tells Bernice, "That's right Bernice. We're finally going to do what we've been talking about all these Years. This weekend, I'm going to make _all over your dreams come true_. I'm going to take you on a trip _around the world_!"

When he says that, everyone in the room stops talking and listens in.

Fish says, "First were going to do it _kosher style_! Yeah, I thought that we better start out with something that we're familiar with."

Upon hearing this, Barney and Wojo give each other a confused look. They then both turn toward the hooker, and give her a questioning glance.

She moves a little closer to both men and whispers to them, "Don't ask me. I've taken a lot of _strange requests_. But that's a new one on me!"

Barney slowly walks toward Fish's desk. As he comes closer to Sgt. Nick Yemana, Fish tells Bernice, "Next we'll do it _sushi style_. Takes right honey, with _chop-sticks_!"

Barney looks at Nick for some type of answer as too what Fish is talking about. Yemana's mouth drops open when he hears what Fish has just said. He answers Barney's unspoken question in his typical deadpan manner by saying, "I don't know what he's talking about barn. But, I sure hope they're both _very careful_. If they do it wrong, they may get _splitters_!" And before Barney can ask him the obvious, Nick tells him, "_Don't ask_."

Barney shakes off the added confusion that Nick just throw at him. He once again slowly walks toward Fish. When he ends up next to Sgt. Chano Amenguale. Fish then laughs a little as he tells Bernice, "Then after I've had a chance to _rest-up _for a day, I think that we should try that thing that you've been after me to do for some time now. He smiles at Bernice's response and says, "That's right Bernice, _hot and spicy, salsa style_."

When Chano hears this, he turns to Barney and quickly says, "Hey Barn. I'm not sure if he's talking about _food_, or _sex_. But no matter which one it is, I don't think that he'll be coming to work next Monday!" Chano then quickly tilts his head to the right and gives Barn a smile, and a shrug before going back to filing his reports.

Barney finally taps Fish on the shoulder and tells him, "Ah, Fish. Do you think that you can call Bernice right back, I have to ask you something?"

Fish nods his head yes, and tells Bernice that he'll call her back a little later.

Barney then looks around the office at all of the curious faces that are now staring _slack jawed_ at Fish. He then asks him, "Uh, Fish. I was wondering if you would like to call Bernice back _in private_, on the phone in my office. I'm not sure, but I kind off got the impression that you may not want anyone listening in."

Fish looks a little confused as he listens too Barney's question. He then notices everyone staring at him. He points at his bag and tells Barney, and everyone else, "What's wrong? I was just telling Bernice that I've brought the antacid, aspirin and bromo that I'll need for our _around the world weekend_."

Barney and everyone else in the room looks even more confused then before. So Fish continues, "I know that I complain about Bernice a lot. However, she is the _love of my life_. And let's face it, some times, I can be a _little grumpy_. So I decided to show her my appreciation for all the _years of happiness_ that she has given me. So from now on, once a year, we'll check into a hotel downtown. And we'll only eat in restaurants that serve food from _around the world_. Since we were never able too afford a real trip _around the world_, this is as near as were ever going to get. Fish then looks around the room again and asks, "Barn, what did all of you think I was talking about?"

As soon as he says that, everyone but Barney avoids eye contact with him. They all start mumbling at the same time while pretending to work. Barney then tells Fish, "I…they…_**we**_ thought that the call may be of a …" Barney moves his hands in a hesitant, circular motion for the last part, "_romantic nature_. Some of the types of food and the way that you described them, could be taken the _wrong way. _If you only heard one side of the conversation, like we did."

Fish thinks about what he has just heard and tells Barney, "_You're kidding, right_?"

Barney then looks around the room for help. Once again, all of his men avoid eye contact with him. He then looks toward the hooker and shrugs toward her for help.

She looks toward Barney and reluctantly nods her head OK. She gets out of her chair, walks over to Fish, and tells him, "Some of the things you said _could _be taken the wrong way. For instance, she then whispers into Fish's ear and talks to him in private.

After several seconds, Fish's look of confusion is replaced with looks of bewilderment, embarrassment, incomprehension, disorientation and then anger.

He then tells the woman**, "**_**Get out'a here**_**!" **

She tells Fish that she's not joking. Some of the things that he talked about on the phone _could_ be mistaken for some of the _acts_ that she just described to him. He then points toward the chair that she was sitting in, and once again tells her, **"No really, get out'a here! And sit down! You're giving me a headache!" **

He then looks at all of the faces around the room and says out loud, "**Are you people crazy? I barely survived **_**listening**_** too the things this young woman had too say. If I actually tried to **_**do **_**any of them, I doubt that I would make it to dinner!"**

Barney then says, "I apologize Fish!"

Fish waves Barney closer to him. In a low voice, he tells him, "Barney, thanks for thinking that I was _still_ capable of having a _crazy weekend_ like that. But whatever you do, please don't tell Bernice about this mix-up. The last thing I need is for her too start thinking that I'm up too _dinner_, _and a show!_"

**Loved it?**

**Hated it?**

**Please let me know.**

5


End file.
